“Summertime
Makes every emotion intensify
I’m drowning in an ocean of
Good and bad
Of happy and sad
‘Cause there’s too much time to think…
About everything throughout the year that
Happened to me
I’m overwhelmed by the
Things I have lost and the
Things I have got
So all I do is think
Until all that’s left to do is…sing.”
–Summertime, by Dogwood and Holly (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mFUNnJ3zm0&list=PLVa8H3ixTwOP24vJ_Dcap475AHVk1BNr_)
Or, in my case, write.
This was exactly the sort of summer I was wishing for. There were aspects of it that I wasn’t jumping for joy about (my mom is still in recovery from a lot of health issues that all snowballed at once, for example), but I very much enjoyed the chance to just relax.
There were no papers to grade, no classes to manage, nothing to do but write and think and be.
(Be…at the beach.)
But now, I’m headed back.
Feelings are mixed.
I’m happy to go back to a defined job, a purpose, a mission. I’ve missed my students. I’ve missed the sense of community at my school. And I’m grateful to God for both.
But I love my family and all my friends here. And goodbyes are always hard.
When I was in elementary school, I remember saying that when I grew up, I wanted a house where all my family could live together. Now that I’m older, I understand many reasons why that isn’t feasible. But I think that’s why I’ve always loved the idea of heaven so much. No goodbyes.
To keep with the unofficial Lord of the Rings running theme of this blog, I’ll relay a comparison I made the other day. In the main series, the protagonists are attempting to take a ring that is the embodiment of all evil to be destroyed and avoid soldiers of the Enemy. Frodo, who has been keeping the ring hidden, says this quote:
“I spent all my childhood pretending I was off somewhere else…my own adventure turned out to be quite different.”
Never have I related so hard to a quote. My whole childhood was spent daydreaming about leaving the U.S. and traveling to some foreign land.
14 hr airplane flights never factored into those daydreams, naturally. Nor immigration hassles, or buying an internet plan, or dealing with taxi navigation.
My own adventure has been quite different so far. And, like Frodo, sometimes I’m tempted to wonder what in the world I’m doing, leaving behind so much and so many that I love.
But today, I realized something. I may relate to Frodo, but Frodo only had one long adventure. I’ve left home once before, and now I’m going back.
No, I’m not Frodo. I’m Aragorn.
(“Who’s that?”, I can hear everyone who hasn’t read the books or seen the movies ask.)
THIS is Aragorn. (AKA, my high school crush.) In the book, he is the technical heir to a kingdom that has not had a king for hundreds of years. He was raised in the Elven kingdom of Rivendell, a quiet, peaceful refuge. But by the time of the books, he is a ranger, traveling about the countryside defending villages from the advance of evil forces. When asked by another character about Rivendell, he responds this way:
“I dwelt there once and still return when I may. There my heart is; but it is not my fate to sit in peace, even in the fair house of Elrond.”
It is not my fate to sit in peace…
Since I was small, I knew that my life would not be quiet, or simple, or ‘normal’. This is not to say that those who live a ‘normal’ life are somehow bad—the important thing is living out your calling from God, whatever that may be. And I knew I was called to go overseas, and to serve, specifically kids.
Never did I imagine that leaving my Rivendell would be so hard. Not when I spent so long dreaming of adventures. But it is.
The only good thing about Rivendell is that it isn’t leaving anytime soon. Aragorn, in the quote, doesn’t scoff at his childhood home, nor does he diminish his longing for it. He even says that his heart is still there! As someone who is experiencing some of the sacrifices of a split life for the first time, that’s immensely comforting! You’re allowed to miss home! You’re even allowed to be entirely confused about where home is!
All of this to say, I’m happy to go back to Thailand. But I’m not happy to leave America. And I’m not loving the realization that this back and forth is about to become part of my life for a good while.
But why am I doing this, anyway?
I’m not destroying an evil ring. But I am going to serve, and to love, and to live as an example of God’s presence on this earth.
Tomorrow, July 26th, I go back to being a farang, a foreigner. It’s a weird feeling. But it’s a nice reminder that I’m already a spiritual foreigner.
No matter what happens, I belong to God. Nothing can snatch me out of His hand. And for some reason, He’s decided that Thailand needs me for a bit.
Watch out, Thailand.
I started with song lyrics. I’ll end this with a poem I wrote that (poetically) encapsulates my summer. Thank you to everyone I saw for your love and support and thank you even to those I didn’t see. I will miss you all.
“I have dwelt in Rivendell
Upon a summer’s day
And many a pleasant hour was spent
Within that happy place
For rest and fun have marked this house
Since I was very small
And still it holds the promise of peace
Though I have grown up tall
Oh how beautiful the sunlit roads!
The trees with leaves all spread
The days and nights I lingered here
Have been quite truly blessed
But my fate requires a different path
That leads me far from home
To a land where all the streets are strange
And they speak in foreign tongues
To work and toil I now return
For I heed the Master’s call
The road ahead, it beckons me
As it goes ever on
I shall come again to Rivendell
And stay within its gates
And so, with smile, I bid farewell
And say, “We’ll meet again.”
************************************************************************************
More updates will come soon. At least once a month. In the meantime, you can be praying for:
- A safe and (dare I say?) enjoyable flight.
- My settling back in process (getting unpacked, etc.)
- Getting ready for the coming school year, practically and mentally.
- For my upcoming students.
- For me to find things to do outside of work, particularly with my church.
Signing off for now. Next time you hear from me, I will be in Thailand!
Teach; Think; Write. 